Friday, September 16, 2011

I Hide They Seek

I haven't posted anything for a long time....I don't believe in writer's block so I can't blame it on! I am a chicken, a chicken of the most cowardly kind. I have run across many new blogs, mommy blogs, they are a muse of sorts, I want to be a cool mommy, I want to write, so here I am!
I am writing this from the top of my head, I prefer to do this, it catches my critics off guard.....they don't fight as dirty when they don't know what's coming.
Quotes are one of my favorite things, so I will be inserting some throughout this no special order or sense. I am sitting at my computer, there are bills, napkins and random pieces of paper with quotes written on them in crayon. I can't clean off the desk, for fear of throwing away a quote that just might change my life---you never know! I have books of quotes, I could read them for days....quotes speak to me, I listen, I understand most of them. Poems, those I don't get, I don't want to GET them, they make me feel lame (except Keats, I love him, I saw the movie "Bright Star" it had spoke to me).
I have disliked poetry since I was in third grade, the librarian at that time was shocked, "How could you not like poetry?" She asked. Here's how, I don't understand why someone would write in ways that no one, well, the IQ challenged, could understand, pronounce words and shut the book knowing that just trying to "get it" fried some of what's left of their braincells. I can't afford to lose those because it's the beginning of the week and I have to do some hard thinking to fill out the grocery list and menu for the next two weeks! In a nut shell what I am trying to say is, I don't like poetry because it's too hard and people should just say it like it is, skipping the brainy stuff....roses are red, violets are blue....blah!
Quote #1: "Some people in your life are better off as a memory." to the meat of this blog post! I've jotted down many ideas in a notebook of mine for blogging, however, I've lost it. Like I said I prefer to just sit down at the computer and let the word vomit shoot out hoping I won't offend someone, embarrass my family or personally, alert Child Protective Services, giving them a very strong case against myself.
As a young babysitter Hide and Go Seek is a great game. The kids keep occupied, the hours go a little faster and it's just plain fun.
Hide and Go Seek as a mom, that's a different story, I'm not talking about the traditional Hide and go Seek, it's the kids vs. mom version that I am speaking about. They have the upper hand since you don't know you've agreed to or started playing the game.
To be fair, I did have a part in what put this game in motion. It started the first time we brought the first baby home from the hospital. We tiptoed to make sure we didn't wake the baby, we coughed quietly, covered our nose before sneezing, used the bathroom downstairs while the baby was upstairs sleeping and flushing only if we had to, or waited until the little bundle of joy was awake. We disconnected the doorbell, leaving a note that said "Baby sleeping, please knock." We slowly opened and shut every door, especially the front door, we had to schedule using the dishwasher around his sleep schedule. There was no use of beaters, mixers, blenders, and little use of microwave (as desperately needed ONLY) unless the baby was wide awake. My husband and I had considered submitting our situation to the people at "Guinness World Records" as the most quiet living couple in their own home.
When baby number two came, my husband and I were pros at being quiet....keeping all the rules and routines. Now we had a toddler to teach the quiet game to. You might be thinking "They brought all this on themselves by being so quiet." Here's how I was a quiet house without trying because it was only me home with the baby during the day....I am loud and obnoxious but mostly when there are others around, when it's was just me, there wasn't an audience and quiet overcame the house. I did sneak in naps for myself when I could....that just added to the quietness. As a couple together at night we didn't make much noise, it was mostly the T.V. that filled the room with other voices.
When child number three arrived, we had two other children to spit shushes to, telling them to not wake the baby, be quiet cause mommy and the baby were going to nap. They were careful, there was no flushing of toilets, no going in and out of the house while yelling "Mom, he looked at me!" They had been brainwashed into being mimes. Mimes that I kept by my side every moment, it felt like, when a baby was sleeping. If I could see them, I would know what they were doing hence, controlling their volume by silently screaming at them to be quiet!
So there, I admit that I have taught all of my kids to stay by my side. Here's where the game goes wrong. My children are now between the ages of 5yrs. to 14 yrs. old. they should know when mommy needs space but they don't care, it's their one and only reason to make living worth it....I swear this is true!
Reverse Hide and Seek Rules (mom vs. children)
I sneak up the stairs to go use the facilities, as I turn to shut the door there are two kids that out of the blue need me more than air. They follow me in, I distract them, they run off to find the magic staircase in our home, obviously these are the two youngest ones.
Two down, three to hide from, I go over the list: Starla's Momisms
1. Never ever flush a toilet....they will find you
2. You must never open a candybar unless in a different room and caughing as you pull at the wrapper....light a candle so you can distract the smell of chocolate (they are bloodhounds).
3. On Saturday morning when you think you get to sleep in, but have to pee like a Rhino....hold it in, do not even try to creep down the hall, they will smell your scent.
4. If you go downstairs to do laundry.....they will see your invisible footprints and follow them so that they can "Help".
5. If you close your eyes to rest...they can sense it and will instantly become hyper and bored!
6. Going outside for fresh air may be healthy, but the draft created from the door, will tell your secret.
7. Don't try to sneak in grocieries until the kids go to bed, they see through the bags, know what you weren't going to tell them you bought.....bug you until they get it, push you out of the way...devoring it all like a pack of wolves.
8. Don't let them over hear you and your husband talk about a romantic date coming up, they will insist they were included in the date, you'll end up at home with a G movie, five kids in your personal space....they won't even share your husband. Kids have meetings about how to take their parents down in this sick sort of way!
9. If you stumble upon the Maury Povich show, get sucked in, your children's innocent radar will go off and they will greet you just as the worst line of the show is said, this only creates a moment where your child will know they can get away with repremending you!
10. The mother of all mothers......don't at any time crack open a pop...can or will never get the first or last sip, it's like a whistle to a dog.....I promise you this will gaurantee your demise!
In order for me to just post this darn thing, I will just try and wrap it up....basically this post is about being able to have five minutes of uninterrupted time, I have struggled writing this post...I am positive it's because there is no way of getting five minutes of uninterrupted time!
Last night I was telling Olivia that I would kick her teachers butt if her teacher was mean to her and Kody mentioned something about me going to jail, I said " least I would get a vacation!"
Thanks to all that read this and still want to be my friend, don't give up on me people.....hugs and kisses to all! lol!