I Hide They Seek

I haven't posted anything for a long time....I don't believe in writer's block so I can't blame it on that.....lol! I am a chicken, a chicken of the most cowardly kind. I have run across many new blogs, mommy blogs, they are a muse of sorts, I want to be a cool mommy, I want to write, so here I am!

I am writing this from the top of my head, I prefer to do this, it catches my critics off guard.....they don't fight as dirty when they don't know what's coming.

Quotes are one of my favorite things, so I will be inserting some throughout this post...in no special order or sense. I am sitting at my computer, there are bills, napkins and random pieces of paper with quotes written on them in crayon. I can't clean off the desk, for fear of throwing away a quote that just might change my life---you never know! I have books of quotes, I could read them for days....quotes speak to me, I listen, I understand most of them. Poems, those I don't get, I don't want to GET them, they make me feel lame (except Keats, I love him, I saw the movie "Bright Star" it had pictures.....it spoke to me).

I have disliked poetry since I was in third grade, the librarian at that time was shocked, "How could you not like poetry?" She asked. Here's how, I don't understand why someone would write in ways that no one, well, the IQ challenged, could understand, pronounce words and shut the book knowing that just trying to "get it" fried some of what's left of their braincells. I can't afford to lose those because it's the beginning of the week and I have to do some hard thinking to fill out the grocery list and menu for the next two weeks! In a nut shell what I am trying to say is, I don't like poetry because it's too hard and people should just say it like it is, skipping the brainy stuff....roses are red, violets are blue....blah!

Quote #1: "Some people in your life are better off as a memory."

Ahhh.....now to the meat of this blog post! I've jotted down many ideas in a notebook of mine for blogging, however, I've lost it. Like I said I prefer to just sit down at the computer and let the word vomit shoot out hoping I won't offend someone, embarrass my family or personally, alert Child Protective Services, giving them a very strong case against myself.

As a young babysitter Hide and Go Seek is a great game. The kids keep occupied, the hours go a little faster and it's just plain fun.

Hide and Go Seek as a mom, that's a different story, I'm not talking about the traditional Hide and go Seek, it's the kids vs. mom version that I am speaking about. They have the upper hand since you don't know you've agreed to or started playing the game.

To be fair, I did have a part in what put this game in motion. It started the first time we brought the first baby home from the hospital. We tiptoed to make sure we didn't wake the baby, we coughed quietly, covered our nose before sneezing, used the bathroom downstairs while the baby was upstairs sleeping and flushing only if we had to, or waited until the little bundle of joy was awake. We disconnected the doorbell, leaving a note that said "Baby sleeping, please knock." We slowly opened and shut every door, especially the front door, we had to schedule using the dishwasher around his sleep schedule. There was no use of beaters, mixers, blenders, and little use of microwave (as desperately needed ONLY) unless the baby was wide awake. My husband and I had considered submitting our situation to the people at "Guinness World Records" as the most quiet living couple in their own home.

When baby number two came, my husband and I were pros at being quiet....keeping all the rules and routines. Now we had a toddler to teach the quiet game to. You might be thinking "They brought all this on themselves by being so quiet." Here's how I disagree....it was a quiet house without trying because it was only me home with the baby during the day....I am loud and obnoxious but mostly when there are others around, when it's was just me, there wasn't an audience and quiet overcame the house. I did sneak in naps for myself when I could....that just added to the quietness. As a couple together at night we didn't make much noise, it was mostly the T.V. that filled the room with other voices.

When child number three arrived, we had two other children to spit shushes to, telling them to not wake the baby, be quiet cause mommy and the baby were going to nap. They were careful, there was no flushing of toilets, no going in and out of the house while yelling "Mom, he looked at me!" They had been brainwashed into being mimes. Mimes that I kept by my side every moment, it felt like, when a baby was sleeping. If I could see them, I would know what they were doing hence, controlling their volume by silently screaming at them to be quiet!

So there, I admit that I have taught all of my kids to stay by my side. Here's where the game goes wrong. My children are now between the ages of 5yrs. to 14 yrs. old. they should know when mommy needs space but they don't care, it's their one and only reason to make living worth it....I swear this is true!

Reverse Hide and Seek Rules (mom vs. children)

I sneak up the stairs to go use the facilities, as I turn to shut the door there are two kids that out of the blue need me more than air. They follow me in, I distract them, they run off to find the magic staircase in our home, obviously these are the two youngest ones.

Two down, three to hide from, I go over the list: Starla's Momisms

1. Never ever flush a toilet....they will find you

2. You must never open a candybar unless in a different room and caughing as you pull at the wrapper....light a candle so you can distract the smell of chocolate (they are bloodhounds).

3. On Saturday morning when you think you get to sleep in, but have to pee like a Rhino....hold it in, do not even try to creep down the hall, they will smell your scent.

4. If you go downstairs to do laundry.....they will see your invisible footprints and follow them so that they can "Help".

5. If you close your eyes to rest...they can sense it and will instantly become hyper and bored!

6. Going outside for fresh air may be healthy, but the draft created from the door, will tell your secret.

7. Don't try to sneak in grocieries until the kids go to bed, they see through the bags, know what you weren't going to tell them you bought.....bug you until they get it, push you out of the way...devoring it all like a pack of wolves.

8. Don't let them over hear you and your husband talk about a romantic date coming up, they will insist they were included in the date, you'll end up at home with a G movie, five kids in your personal space....they won't even share your husband. Kids have meetings about how to take their parents down in this sick sort of way!

9. If you stumble upon the Maury Povich show, get sucked in, your children's innocent radar will go off and they will greet you just as the worst line of the show is said, this only creates a moment where your child will know they can get away with repremending you!

10. The mother of all mothers......don't at any time crack open a pop...can or bottle....you will never get the first or last sip, it's like a whistle to a dog.....I promise you this will gaurantee your demise!

In order for me to just post this darn thing, I will just try and wrap it up....basically this post is about being able to have five minutes of uninterrupted time, I have struggled writing this post...I am positive it's because there is no way of getting five minutes of uninterrupted time!

Last night I was telling Olivia that I would kick her teachers butt if her teacher was mean to her and Kody mentioned something about me going to jail, I said "Well.....at least I would get a vacation!"

Thanks to all that read this and still want to be my friend, don't give up on me people.....hugs and kisses to all! lol!

If You Are Pretty and You Know It Clap Your Hands!

Today's blog will consist of low fat dressing and self image. They do go together don't they?

Remember the lady in the salad dressing commercial that sits down to have lunch with her girlfriends? A salad is placed before her, she passes on the dressing she is offered. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle of fat free Wishbone dressing. She has a great big smile of satisfaction, even offers the dressing to her friends. You can see as the commercial starts that all her friends are smaller in size than she is, she could be sporting a sweet little body under that tweed suit coat but her shoulder pads cause her to resemble a football player more than a simple housewife. Her friends love her though they have just realized she carries dressing in her purse, what else is she hiding about herself?

I have turned into this lady, except I don't wear chunky shoulder pads, I wear a tire around my waist. However, since starting the Astronaut Diet and I am on the run and pick up a salad from a fast food place I find myself in a pinch, there is not 0carb, 0sugar, 0fat, 0taste dressing available.

After grabbing the fast food loot, I pull over to pass out the goods to the crazy people in the back of my vehicle (these people would be my children) I take out my salad and lift the plastic lid seeing the rabbit food staring me in the face, it's laughing at me just like vegetables in my fridge. First, I pick off the shredded cheese, closing my eyes as I do so thinking to myself "who in their right mind would willingly pick off chilled shredded cheese and put it in last weeks fast food bag they still have in the car and will stay there until their next birthday." I continue discarding, the croutons go, the bits of bacon and the dressing that is calling my name plop into the sack. I try to talk one of my children into eating the croutons so that I can watch them and remember the enjoyment that spreads across your face as you bite into carbs, but they refuse, it's not necessary to fill themselves up with croutons when they have fries, cheeseburgers and a soda to wash it all down with.

It's past my lunch time by about two hours and the starving scary lady is about to burst through me like the Incredible Hulk and I think to myself "Why didn't I put my 0carbs, 0fat, 0sugar, 0taste salad dressing in my purse today?"

On another note I have some thoughts on the line "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I don't know who coined the phrase but I picture the person to be a woman, very gangly, no money for braces, balding and has a rare disease where no matter what she does, not even the Astronaut Diet (Gasp) she can't lose weigh and gains at a rapid speed.

One day she wakes up and says "I won't let beauty control my life! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! I am beautiful no matter what!" So she lives an amazing life and dies and goes to heaven and gets to be a supermodel because her attitude allowed her to do good in the world.

My point is, if you love your family and you do everything to make sure you give them what they need, you never want to put yourself first, you keep them safe, happy, healthy and choosing the right then why would it be okay to be self-absorbed, obsessed with your looks? Wondering if you are good enough, if people accept you, if your butt looks good in last years jeans cause you had to buy groceries and now you can't afford this years style.

What it comes down to is if you care enough about your family's well being you will get over yourself and move on. Don't be selfish and dwell on what you cannot change. Aspire to improve on what you can do and the person you can be if you free yourself from self hatred.

I know a woman that is so beautiful that that is why I wanted to be her friend. She's so beautiful that people stare, gawk and stalk her (I do, that's why I am going to MT is to see her, then my family) she's an amazing person, she has four teenage boys and is a great mom. I am guessing that she would give up that beauty to have her husband back that she lost eight years ago while her boys were young. So yes she looks like a model and I obsess about looking like one but in the end all it comes down to are the trials each of us are given and how we get through them. That is where I believe the woman conjured up the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" knew what she was talking about.

So I am pledging to be done with this obsession and move on to being the person I can be, I will not let this speed bump or more like road construction that hasn't let me through for most of my life keep me from healing. I refuse to let my husband or children be affected by my self absorbtion. I cannot change how I look but I can put the obsession behind me and move on!

I would love for everyone that reads this to leave a comment, no hate mail please, I said I am on the road to self love sobriety not that I was there! If you didn't like anything you read just come up with something good to say that is positive like: "I loved how you used punctuation at the end of each sentence" or "Your spelling was super neat" or "I am impressed that you know how to type" anything is welcomed, you can even tell your story or why self love sobriety is important to you! Take the pledge today! Starla

For My Two Fans!

So I have two fans that I feel I owe a new blog post to so here it goes.



I am stuck at home with five energetic kids, the house is what you ask? A mess, is it ever not? I have until next week to get it ready to move into the new place. We have no boxes, I have no energy and the kids want to divorce me. So what I am saying is SCHOOL IS OUT, SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!



I was determined to never be one of those moms that said anything but happy, positive uplifting phrases, I did okay until, well I have no idea how long it lasted it could have been after the first minute the first kid was born, I guess it would depend on who you ask. Just don't ask my kids or husband. Don't ask my in-laws, my parents or siblings, anyone related to me or that has been friends with me for more than an hour. It's easy to see that I have my faults as a mom in a little amount of time. Mostly because I tell on myself, what a terrible habit, not only do I tell on myself I exaggerate in ways that are not to my benefit! Maybe if I was a liar people would just assume I was being hard on myself but on the contrary they know I am compulsively honest and give it all up to any one's lending ear. The dog even knows this!



"Mother of the year award" is out as of the first day of summer vacation, I definately don't deserve that one. "Mrs. Iowa" is out for this year also thanks to my sugar addiction that I used to bandaid my idea of having five kids and thinking I could manage without a crutch whether it was drugs, drinking, wild men or sugar highs. I think that if I had to pick from the list sugar was the smartest choice but really did I have to pick the one that would make me look like I was wearing a fanny pack full of jelly doughnuts around my waist?



Has anyone considered coming up with an award that is more achieveable such as "I have been trying does that count" award. "I haven't killed my kids yet" award, or the "Hey, you're amazing mom, you haven't runaway from home yet" award!



I must mention that since I haven't had carbs for almost a month now that this might have altered my sense of appreciation for being a stay-at-home mom full time for thirteen years. Because before now I could drink down a pepsi and a couple of candybars and get my mojo back! Since I am eating healthy it just makes me think clearly about this great calling in life.