Friday, May 28, 2010

Oh Man!

I would like to give a shout out to my Cousin Valerie Griggs Dircks for all the help she has given me with this blog etc. She is an author "Predator" is her book, you can find it on it's under the name Val Griggs. She is one smart cookie, also she has a blog and her neato lizard Edgar does too. She designs A Lure Jewelry and does fabulous makeup if you are ever in her area! Love you Val.

Next, it's time for me to blog, yesterday I had a bijillion ideas and would you believe it they have all been sucked out of my brain thanks to the reality of being a stay at home mom. I was having an extremely bad day yesterday, I went into the ugly sobbing cry, the one where you can't talk or breathe and your brain feels like blowing out of your head right after your eyes jump out of their socket. My son is being bullied, shocking right? I am sure all of you that are reading this blog have experienced that, however, my son has Autism and it's not just one kid it's a group, all day everyday for two years now. The school won't do anything to stop it and I feel like I have let him down and send him to the lion's pit each day, I guess he would prefer it to be a tiger's pit since that is what he loves and that is what the kids harass him about, one of the many things that is! Thanks for letting me vent now let's get to some lighter conversation, conversations that I have with myself I guess. It's the best kind right?

Yesterday I woke up to the sweet face of my husband, he smiled and said "You are in big trouble, for something you did!" I thought to myself "Oh, crap what did he find out?"
"You cheated on me" that's the (clean version). He said "Is that what you are going to do when you get skinny?"

I said "I don't know." I mean what kind of question is that?

He responded by saying, with a smile of course. "This is a college town." Pause. "If I lost a few pounds I could get a college girl ya know, you know how college girls are!"

I said. "Well, I am the one that's on the diet first so I guess I will be the one to get a college guy and cheat first!" "Ha!"

I have to tell you that it was the day after the first day I started the diet and he (Steve) was already crazy goo goo over me, I don't know what's going to happen after I lose a pound! I'll tell you though, I cannot wait! So ladies if you want your husband to pant over you and chase you around the house just go on the Ideal Protein Diet and start praying that he will give you a break sometimes.

Let me tell you how this Astronaut Diet is going, I wake up in the morning, and then it hits me, I can't eat sugar. I feel nauseas at the thought, light headed like a true Supermodel does when she wakes up each morning the difference is she can't even have Astronaut food and she's a stinkin' supermodel so clearly my side of things is much worse!

I have headaches, I am tired, I look at my house and wonder if there is enough change in the couch to pay someone to come here and at least hide my house. My kids stare at me like if you can't get up what makes you think we can and what's that smell in our room. There is a distinct smell in their room of rotten milk, which I am sure Isaac let leak out of his sippy cup, who knows how long it had been under there and the house is a sauna, that doesn't help. When I was getting the cot out from under there when the in-laws were here I noticed that I was dragging spilled milk, a cot, among unidentifiable objects from under the bed. I cleaned it up but the smell has been lingering. So I told Monica to mask the smell with a swifer sweeper wet thingy and after she did that, there was no difference. I was on the bed that the two little girls sleep on, the one that houses the rotten spilled milk situation and I could smell the pungent smell of curdled milk. I carefully sniffed the blankets (never deeply inhale your children's blankets or sheets unless you are a mom that actually cleans) I realized that there must have been a milk spill on the bed also. What does this mean you ask? Well, it means that this poor mom that is faint, and starving has to actually move and go down to the basemtent where the spider webs are hanging down low enough that it really is a haunted house, and I have to actually wash bedding!

My mom would say "Oh, Starla, just take down the broom and get rid of the webs!"

This would be great advice if 1)I had the energy to do that 2)I was a mom that cleans and 3)If I actually remembered to do it. Personally I think she just wants to remind me of the pansy that I am, followed by expressing if she was there she would do it. So mom if you are reading this you are welcome to come and take care of that basement, she's thinking

"I would if I could come!"

The fact is she won't be coming until July and I won't be in this house anymore. The other house however has a history of having a snake in it so she can deal with that, I actually like snakes, but I am sure she could do it better! Hmph!

So back to the diet, I had to drizzle olive oil over my cup of pickles because I forgot to eat the olive oil throughout the day, it wasn't horrible but not recomended. It just seemed wrong. What did I do with the salt that I hadn't used throughout the day, well, I had to eat lettuce with sea salt, I was so full from my dinner of ribeye steak, mashed potatoes, corn and cherry cobbler....wait, I can't have that? Hahaha! No, I was full from my Astronaut dinner that I could hardly get it down, not too mention it wasn't exactly delicious! So I was stocked up on olive oil and sea salt, it just reminded me of how amazing I am going to look in a year, that's what I told Steve last night as we turned off the light to go to bed, that maybe I would be skinny in a year. Blahhhhhh! I am not saying I don't beleive in this diet but it's sure easier to think it will happen to someone else and not yourself! I feel like I have to loose like 80lbs and the light is never going to be at the end of the tunnel, I think it's just my growling stomach talking or my mind that knows I have put myself in non-sugar jail that is saying all this negative smut! So forgive me and just pray that the broccoli will taste like a kitkat so that I won't die!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Butter Talks To Me

Remember the Parkay commercial where the butter and Parkay would argue which one was best? Well yesterday as a prepared toast with butter and strawberry jam for an after school snack, like a line cook for five hungry mouths, it spoke to me! "Eat me!" It called out! I thought to myself that's just crazy, I didn't just hear that creamy stick of soft butter shout at me! I delivered toast to the first child and in the kitchen I heard "Eat Me!" I was going to chastise my children for talking rudely to their mother when I noticed all five of them were in front of me. I quickly went back to the kitchen to insert bread into the toaster, I glanced over at the butter..."Eat me!" "Are you kidding me?" I said loud enough for only me to hear. I knew this diet was going to be hard but no one said I would be halucinating about food, or I might have reconsidered the whole thing. The jam dripped down my fingers, butter melted under it, the stickiness from the sugar begged to be licked, "I'm beautiful and smell so sweet!" Yep, that was the strawberry jam taunting me, teasing me with her smell, color and shapely jar body! The toast gripped my fingers it knew how much I needed to feel that dry rough texture turn into thick, moist carb heaven in my mouth screaming for joy as the butter helped it glide into a swirl of strawberry decadance, with a swallow of pure, sheer, ultimate joy and satisfaction. "Mom!" A kid shouted. "It's my turn next, you aren't going to eat that are you?" I looked at my hands I had been sniffing the beautiful creation that warmed my palm, who knew toast with butter and strawberry jam could be so seductive! "I must prevail!" I thought to myself. "I can do this, I will make fifty peices of toast and I will not let texture or smell make me cheat."

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

D-Day "The Astronaut Diet!"

So yesterday was day one, I started off the morning with a chocolate drink and vitamins, which by the way cause some pretty gross burps! The shaker is pretty cool, the ball inside is like a spongy whisk. Mom told me to remember to not leave it in when I microwave the drink, make sure the lid is on when you shake the drink and if the lid is on make sure it's screwed on tight and the flip top is closed. I don't want to tell on her or anything but she knows this advice is necessary because she has experienced problems when she did all those things. I felt pretty good after the drink, I filled up the shaker with water afterwards and drank it so that I make sure to drink all the water I need to. I am not familiar with drinking water because before now I was a Pepsi (cry, cry) drinker and only used water occasionally to help swallow pills. I wasn't hungry after my liquid astronaut breakfast but thoughts of actual food did creep into my head. I had to lay down at nap time since I was feeling tired and if you sleep your need for food can be avoided for a few hours. The nap didn't go so well since I had about fifty phone calls, each time I fell asleep it felt so good but then the phone would ring. I was relieved almost when it was time to get up, but that's when it hit...the migraine. It was from no sugar, no Pepsi and my neck that has been hurting beyond words for months. I find that the timing of my migraines coincide with me picking up the kids from school. They all talk at the same time believing they have vital information that must be shared or they will blow up. They argue while getting into the car even though we have had the same routine (car wise) since they were born, but each time it seems like it's their first and they must be told step by step what to do. I was shaking, sweating (the air conditioner doesn't work in the car) and feeling like I was going to pass out at any moment. I hadn't eaten (drank) lunch yet and here it was 4:00pm. The kids were in slow motion entering the car and I was trying to control myself so there wouldn't be any blood. We had to go to the little store in town so I could get veggies and pay the guy from the night before cause I didn't have my check card, he let me take the food and told me to come in today and pay for it. A major benefit for living in a tiny town. I quickly got frozen broccoli, canned chicken and ham, Mrs.Dash and searched for Astronaut butter (Molly McButter) they didn't have any though, a draw back to living in a tiny town with a tiny grocery store! I am fantasizing about doughnuts right now, the ones I dreamed about last night in between bouts of 6 potty breaks while trying to sleep. I pushed the kids out of the way when we got home and made the broccoli and chicken "Astronaut" soup. Two cups of broccoli with sea salt and Mrs.Dash, it was pretty good, the soup was a mysterious blend and had strong seasonings, my breath was like Shrek's, I drank water after the soup and had more vitamins. I definitely felt better after eating. My headache made me want to die each time I heard a noise or if someone talked to me. With a small house and kids that specialize in making noise I was out of my mind in pain. I sat on my bed while each one of the kids came in my room, one by one and two by two to beg, tell me stuff, wrestle each other, tell me about homework, tell on each other, tell me about bullying situations at school among other joyous reports. It got to the point that if someone even thought of breathing I was going to lose it! Steve went to the store for me to get a scale and some veggies by the time he got home Monica had made dinner for the kids and I was laying in bed. I had to get up for a little while so that I could eat, I wasn't in the mood but was excited to eat chicken instead of drink something. It was chicken breast out of a 5oz. can. I thought it was okay and then I had a cucumber for my veggies. My children swarmed me like bees stealing whatever bites they could get. Steve helped out for the rest of the night by getting kids to bed, after being up for a little bit and after we said family prayers I went to lay down again. I only wanted to lay down for fifteen minutes or so but I feel asleep and didn't get up until Steve came in and started turning on his laptop, he made a phone call and then used his iPhone for a while, I wasn't exactly happy about being woken up etc. but I had to go potty anyway. I didn't take my sleeping pill so it was a long night, I don't even know how many times I had to go potty but it was a lot. I had to kill a spider in the bathroom and then a firefly had to die also. I had some pretty weird dreams and when it was time to get up I popped out of bed. Steve said "You're getting up?" I said "Yep!" I usually can't get out of bed and it was nice to be able to get up and get the kids off to school.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Battle of the Astronaut Diet

So I will be starting the Astronaut Diet on May 24th 2010, it was presented to me by a lady named Jerry Dodmother she promised that I would be a supermodel on the outside in three months, four if I was lying about my weight! I am looking forward to the weight loss, I have lots of confidence that I can do this and I am excited. The problem might be that I get really excited and confident about this diet after I have had a large meal, popcorn, ice cream, a king size candy bar and a soda. Hmmm....I wonder what that means. I think it means the diet seems like a good idea at the exact moment that I want to go stick my finger down my throat and upchuck all the garbage I have just eaten. Hopefully the diet will make me feel that horribly sick so that I don't want all the junk food that I am used to rewarding myself with. By rewarding I mean I get up out of bed to realize that three of the four kids made it to the bus after feeding themselves, getting dressed and checking the time so they don't miss it. I take the straggler, drop her off and go immediately to the gas station to buy the little guy a sucker for not taking off with the car while I walk his sister into the school. And for myself for actually realizing that she needed to be taken to school and then I did it, well, I get to have a soda (extra large-caffeinated) and a couple of candy bars that I tell myself will last me for at least a full week. It normally lasts until Isaac takes a nap and then I indulge for having such a hard job like filling the dishwasher and starting a load of laundry. My point is life is hard and I reward myself with a lifestyle that is going to turn me into a diabetic so it's time to do what the Astronaut's do. I mean have you ever seen a Astronaut so fat that they can't float in air while sucking liquid peanut butter and a powdered pouch of two slices of wheat bread? I didn't think so. I will let you know how it's going each day, there will be a lot of complaining, crying, fussing, cussing (in computer bleeping form--example !@##@#$#$$%), I will be blaming others for my weight gain, blaming medications, finances, family members, states that I have lived in, high school teachers, friends, hair spray, and the weather. I am positive that there will be plenty more things that I will be blaming and talking about while crying, I am convinced that not only will crying be therapeutically necessary but I will lose weight by doing so. I could use all the cheerleaders that I can so please read daily and leave comments that will keep me strong and will keep me from cheating. At the end, those that have been faithful will be able to see before and after pictures if I can figure out how to do that! What a treat huh? Wish me luck and thanks to all you who believe in me.....just so you know my supermodel name is Giselle and I know how to use it! Watch me cause here I go! Starla/Mofsi/Giselle